Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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