The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
