She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
