new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
