So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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