your parents love me but you hate me
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He better not be in your backpack
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
