So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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