U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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