You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
