Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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