Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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