i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
