Just took my morning after pill in the library
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
