Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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