i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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