New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
