I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
