You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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