I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
