Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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