she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
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I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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