i just wanna soil my oats bro
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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