Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
