there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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