My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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