i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
