sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
