Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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