I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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