I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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