he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
3 2 1 whiskey
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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