Apparently you make a good broom.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
