Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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