She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
