A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
