it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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