Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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