Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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