I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
