Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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