Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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