I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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