I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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