Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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