well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
40s are totally the cure
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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