i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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