I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
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Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
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I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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