I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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