i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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