At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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