Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
