I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
