nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
