She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
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I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
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The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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