I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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