I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
