having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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