I showed him my bush... on skype.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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