we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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